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Rosco's Back To Office Revenge




Friday 4:58pm

That can’t be good.  A company wide email two minutes before the weekend starts.  Ugghh.


(ATTENTION:  Effective 9am Monday morning, ALL employees must return to the office.  We will have cupcakes.  Have a great weekend.)  


Crap!  A little extra warning sure would have been nice.  Rosco, I guess those corporate overlords just couldn’t stand the thought of me feeding you snackers all day while I aced every task they threw at me.  At least I will be able to make Monday a little more enjoyable.  Say hello to the Pet Spy 3000.  An HD camera, and a microphone speaker combo that lets me talk to you whenever.  I’m gonna watch you the whole day and protest against all forms of productivity.


Monday 9:03am

Phone tucked out of view from the manager?  Check!  App pulled up and working properly?  Check!  Let's turn on the camera and check in.  How are you doing there all by your lonesome?  I miss you already Roscky!   


Hey, where are you?  Are you by the garage door with your leash?  Probably want a walk huh?   Sorry pal It’s out of my control!  Okay, strange, not there either.  Are you playing hide and seek with me, you little rascal?

 

9:32am

I’m getting nervous.  Rosco hasn't sat still for 20 minutes since we got him.  


Oh no.


Did I shut the front door when I left?  CRAP! No! No! No!  I DID leave it open!  Rosco is out, I bet he’s lost, probably scared, oh my poor boy!  I gotta find him!  Oh!… there he is.  


He looks filthy!  And what’s that thing dangling in his mouth?  I should call Bee to see if she can get home soon.  If he even touches her couch I’m a dead man.    


11:38am

Did we really spend 2 hours sharing about our “quarantine highs”?  I HATE THIS PLACE!!  What are the odds that my house is wrecked?  That pup probably repainted every wall in dirt.


Woah!  Has he really been laying in his bed this whole time?  What a relief!  If I can get a hold of the wife now and she can get the door closed I might not even get kicked out of the bedroom tonight!  


Wait, what is he barking at?  


Did something run in front of the camera?   It's too big to be a cockroach, right?  It CAN’T be a cockroach.


OHHH, I just figured it out.  I know what it is now!  It was that chipmunk from the tree in Dale’s yard across the street.  Roscooooo!! Buuuddddyyyy……leeeaaavvveee it!    


Don’t jump up on my bookshelf!  Aaah! I just bought that thing!!  It’s definitely in 4 pieces now.  Do I see some books in the kitchen?  Oh, there is no chance that wifey’s porcelain figurines are still in one piece.  They were an heirloom from her mom.  She told me not to put them there!  Oh man, this is bad.  Bad, bad, bad!  So much destruction!


Rosco buddy, if it fell on top of you we are gonna be paying your vet bills for years.  Are you okay?  There you are!  No cuts? No scratches?  How is it possible!  Halle-freakin-lujah!  You are shaking though.  The poor guy is traumatized.  Oh you poor thing.  Wait, is there something in his mouth?       


Oh no.        He’s shaking the chipmunk.  


Ohhh he’s making a Jackson Pollock all over the room with that thing!!!  It’s so gross!  Oh no, the couch!  Buddy if you get even a drop on Bee’s new pearl white Chesterfield we are both sleeping outside forever!


Oh…my…goodness!  There must be a God!  Not a single spot.   It still looks as clean as the day we got it!  It's a back to the office miracle!


One thing is for sure though, if I want any shot at a happy home I need to get back before something else happens.  It looks like Rosco is laying down for a nap.  Okay, good.  Let me get through this task list ASAP!  I just might be able to pull this off. 


2:18pm

Last task is done!  Looks like I’ll make it.  No, don't get up now!  Dang it buddy.  Maybe he senses that I am starting back home and he's excited to see me?  Despite the catastrophe that has been today it still feels good being loved by such a cute little beast.  I gotchu Rosco!


Oh not again.


Rosco!  Put… the… chipmunk… down.  What are you doing?


Noooooooooooo!   That little punk looked right at me then walked straight for that “déco d’enfer”.  Listen to me Rosco.  If you do this she’ll send you straight to the shelter.  You’ll never see me again.  Is that what you want?  Good boy, back away.  Now drop the rodent.  Put it down-noooooo!  You jumped on the couch.  You just jumped on the couch.  There is blood all over.  I think I need a tylenol. 


WOAAAOAAAWWW!  It……exploded.  Is this some kind of joke!?  When has a chipmunk EVER exploded?  My god!  It’s everywhere!  How is this even physically possible?  I’m dead, I’m such a dead man.  I’ll be lucky if it’s just a divorce.  It’s literally dripping off of the armrests.  She’s going to bury the both of us in the back yard buddy.  How do I even begin to explain this?  And now the boss decides to send me an email!  This is the absolute worst day of my life. 


(ATTENTION DERICK:  Management has humbly requested that you head up the holiday party planning committee this year.  If you agree you will be required to work extra hours each evening starting today.  What do you say?)  


You know what?  That’s funny.  Ironically I can’t think of a better place to be right now.  I’ll do it! 


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